Surgery

Today is the day (April 26th) that Arley is going in for surgery. I am completely beside myself. I am hoping for the best but of course preparing myself for the worst. The surgeons think that its either a cyst or an infection that has bled out. Cancer has been thrown out there but it's the lowest possibility on the totem pole. They are however very optimistic that it's not the big "C," but of course one can only stop their mind from wandering to that diagnoses for so long.

They told me that I wouldn't be able to go past the operating room doors which I understood, however I expressed that they needed to give her the sedation in the hallway before I would even allow them to wheel her away. I didn't feel comfortable allowing her semi-conscious to be sent into a room she was unfamiliar with a group of strangers surrounding her. Thankfully they adhered to my apprehensive and sedated her enough to make her loopy and not aware of what was going on.

I gave her a kiss, promised to see her when she woke up and watched as she was wheeled away and into the operating room. Tears immediately filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I realize that I have to keep it together and remain strong but a person can only be pushed to the hardest of limits before there just isn't much they can do anymore.

I am literally shaking like a leaf and missing my baby girl. I'm trying to be strong for her but this is so damn hard. I don't know how long she will be in surgery for and I'm anxious about the outcome. Thankfully I have tons of family and friends near and far who are texting me, sending me PM's or comments on Facebook to keep me company and pass the time.

I have thought about running out the doors of the hospital and to keep on running until I can't anymore. That won't solve anything and I know it, but I feel like the walls are just starting to cave in on me. I literally just started back up in school at the end of January, started a new job a month ago and now I'm left scratching my head as to how a few days ago my daughter was energetic and bubbly and now she's lying on an operating table to get this mass out of her neck. It's unreal, it's unfair it's a million and one things that I don't care to describe. I need to keep my shit together if for nobody else but me and her I will do it. I have to. I'm a single mom and doing this all on my own.

So my daughter has been in surgery for an hour and a half. I don't know how much longer she has but I need to find a way to occupy myself in the meantime. This isn't going to be an easy task as my mind keeps wandering and playing tricks on my heart and emotions. I have a feeling in my gut that says the worst possible outcome is going to happen to my sweet baby girl.

A few more minutes have passed and I noticed the surgeon is on his way to see me. He comes into the room and explains that Arley has done really well in the surgery. Immediate fist pump happens in my head as I listen intently as he continues. "We have found a cause for concern. It appears as though there is a malignant in the mass that we have removed from Arley's neck."

WAIT! WHAT? Hold on, rewind here.... you mean to tell me that while she did well in surgery that she still has cancer? Un-fucking-believable. I lose it right then and there. I put my head in my hands as the tears pool down my face and keep on repeating "shit shit shit." I don't know why shit came out of my mouth or what all I meant to express behind it but there you have it, my reaction to my daughters diagnoses.

After about another 45 minutes or so the other surgeon comes into my room to talk to me and discuss the options of what lies ahead of Arley. My mind is spinning my heart is racing and all I can think of is seeing my baby girl and holding her tight.

Pretty soon after though I am able to go to the recovery room and visit with her. She looks so peaceful resting after her big event. I cant wait to see her precious baby blues stare up at me and to hear her call my name. I will update again soon though I am exhausted and just want to be in the moment with my daughter.