Too much on my mind

Visiting the hospital for our inpatient stays are still not getting any easier. I dread them every three weeks. My stomach is always in knots whenever we arrive and the entire experience is always so exhausting.

The plus side to all of this I guess is the fact that Arley is getting a lot better at the clinic routine. She waltzes into the clinic and holds out her foot to receive her ID bracelet. Then goes to sit and stare at the fish tank until her name is called. Then she marches down the hall to the vitals room, hops up into the chair, sticks out her pointer finger for the heart rate monitor, and holds out her arm simultaneously for the blood pressure. After that hops off the chair and goes to have her weight/height checked. 

None of that seems to faze her in the slightest anymore which is fantastic because you used to be able to hear her screaming and crying a mile away. The only time she cries now is when they insert the needle into her port at the start of her stay and then again when they remove it once we are ready to go home.

She takes the chemo treatments like a champ too, the only issue is soon after for about 24-48 hours she doesn't eat or drink anything and whenever she attempts to she immediately pukes it all back up. Sigh. Did I mention this cancer stuff is exhausting?

They tried giving her a new anti-nausea medicine but I am kind of on the fence about it. It's a combination of anti-nausea and an appetite booster and both times she received it she ate/drank and no sooner did she finish was it back up again.

It's so hard to distinguish between what is working for her and what is causing her discomfort and not able to handle foods. It also causes her to lose weight because she legitimately doesn't tolerate anything and refuses it all even when you allow her to choose whatever she wants which they encourage. 

Her voice unfortunately has also begun to change a little bit. It goes from normal, to hoarse, to very soft/delicate almost dainty? They said they would keep an eye on that too because it could be a side effect to the main chemo she receives and may require a change if it gets any worse. Arley has also become more emotional lately. I'm unsure if it's toddler related, due to her not being able to communicate her feelings effectively or just something else altogether. 

I am just completely and utterly over this whole thing. It's so damn hard to watch your child be sick all the time. Seriously, this is no joke. I never know when Arley is going to get sick and throw up all over the place. I'm afraid of leaving the house sometimes because of this. It's hard to even plan things lately because every time I try to plan a playdate the day comes and shes super sick. 

I can't even work anymore. A job I love very dearly and enjoy because my coworkers help to make it fantastic is suffering. I can't concentrate because my mind is always and forever on Arley. It doesn't help that we are moving to Boston for treatment either. I just honestly don't know what to do with myself lately in regards to work but think it's best for everyone to put in my two weeks notice, at least for now and revisit work at a later date.

2014 was being so very good to me in the beginning. School and work were awesome and I had zero complaints, then this happened and it's such a huge wake up call. One that I hope none of you ever experience, but while it has been really hard (not going to sugar coat it) it has also been very rewarding. Parenting is like that anyways but this is something much more deeper and is hard to explain. I just need to keep trucking and focusing on small little goals to help keep me sane during all of this.

Her benefit is this weekend so that's the first little goal to focus on, then the next is getting her to Boston. After that the focus goes to planning her third birthday party once our stay at Boston is over and done with and starting back up with school. Then its on to pumpkin picking/Halloween and before you know it the holidays are upon us and a new year will be beginning. I just have to take everything in stride and one day at a time also, but looking forward to small monthly goals is going to help a lot too.

Well... I think I've gone off into a million different directions with this post so I think I will stop here for the evening and catch back up with you guys again later on in the week. Thanks for listening and take care everyone, until next time friends...