Sometimes you just have to say... (Explicit Language)

Fuck, Fuck, Fuckity Fuck. And then say it again, maybe three or four times before you start to feel better... or not.

Arleys doctor came in to talk to me this evening and honestly what he had to say was harder to grasp than telling me she has cancer. Basically our life for the next 42 weeks is going to be a huge roller coaster ride that's going to consist of a lot of twists, turns, ups, downs, quick stops and loop-de-loops and if that doesn't make you sick then the following will. (You've been warned)

Basically the next year is going to consist of blood transfusions, surgeries, chemo, radiation, and more. We will probably have to move to Boston for six weeks for the radiation because since she's only 2.5 they are worried this hospital may not be able to handle giving her radiation treatments because the nerves are so close to the tumor that it could cause some serious damage to her.

Some complications that more or less will arise are: trouble eating, drinking, chewing, swallowing. Difficulty walking, talking and jaw movement. Delays in her speech which will need therapy to correct and a plethora of other issues that I can't wrap my head around. Oh, and then of course those precious golden strawberry locks she has will eventually fall out before its completely gone.

Right now I feel alone and as if nobody has a fucking clue what I am going through. I understand that's probably dramatic BUT I literally don't know a single soul going through what I am right now. I am also fully aware that there are still families out there who have it way worse than us, but right now this is the worst possible news that could ever happen to my family.

I need to really take a step back for a minute though and acknowledge how put together I am. I'm surprised I haven't lost my shit yet. Like literally, I probably should've lost it like a thousand times by now. I need to give myself more credit but it really seems silly to do so and even more silly when others point it out. When they say how strong I am. Strong is all I know how to be in a situation like this. I can't crumble and fall apart piece by piece because that's not fair to Arley. I just have to keep holding my head up high and fight this fight with her for however long it takes us. We will become victorious and I won't settle for anything less.